


Loving Him Through

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Innocent state of undressed, Mention of sex, Nightmares, PTSD, adult loving relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 06:23:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16362560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: The countless missions Bucky is taking upon himself is starting to wear him down. You decide he needs a break away from it all.





	Loving Him Through

After Bucky had started to join the Avengers on missions, his nightmares had gotten increasingly worse. He tossed and turned in bed, leaving you behind feeling empty and helpless when you woke him up to save him from himself. You knew why. You knew he didn’t want to burden you with the darkness inside him. You knew he had a hard time talking about what he had been put through. You didn’t want to push him. You never had and you never would, so when he left the bed to go to the gym or just pace the Tower, you let him. 

It didn’t stop you from burying yourself in the covers that were still warm from his body and smelled like him. You cried yourself back to sleep, wishing he would let you in or let you help him in some small way. 

Bucky went on every mission even if it wasn’t needed. The Avengers team was ever growing and there was no need for one person to go on every single mission. You knew why he did it, but it didn’t stop you from wishing he wouldn’t. Bucky never told you the reason. You doubted he even told Steve, but you both knew. He was trying to make up for decades of pain caused by his hands, by saving and helping as many people as he could. The only thing was that saving people rarely came without hurting others and every life Bucky had to take, sent him spiraling back down the hole he so desperately tried to climb out of. 

You saw him backsliding and so did Steve. A part of you still felt as if you had betrayed Bucky by talking to his best friend about what you were seeing. The thing was, Steve was more than that. He was the one that had brought you into the Avengers. He was the leader and the one you had always confided in before you had met Bucky. 

It was your idea that had led you here, to Tony’s cabin by Lake George, but it had been Steve’s orders that Bucky took some time off that had allowed you the chance to drag him with you. Bucky had been moody and sullen on the entire trip, staring out the passenger window as you drove up to the lake. He hadn’t wanted to come, you knew that, but he had for you. He was doing this for you, just like you were doing it for him. He needed a break and the two of you needed to be just you and him again. 

“Wow. I think the concept of roughing it is kinda lost on Tony,” you exclaimed walking through the doors of the luxuriously furnaced cabin. The downstairs level had a huge modern kitchen and a living area with a flat-screen TV, so enormous you wondered how the hell it had gotten through the door. 

Bucky didn’t say anything. He just walked past you upstairs, carrying your bags. Your heart sank. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all. You had wanted to get away, but you were starting to fear you were making him feel as if he was even more broken than he was. 

You knew that there were times like these where Bucky only saw the darkness that was in himself and only remembered the horrible things he had been forced to do. That was part of him yes, because even it hadn’t really been him that had killed all of those people, he was right when he reminded you and Steve, he still did it. It was still something he had to find a way to live with. You just hoped it wouldn’t consume him and rob him of everything else that he was in the process. 

Bucky was a good man first and foremost. He wanted to help people, no matter if he knew them or not, even when he didn’t know how. He was stubborn, maybe even more so than Steve at times. He stood up for what he believed in, even when it scared him. He was sassy and snarky, he was gentle and kind. He wasn’t just the assassin HYDRA had made him into or the Avenger trying to make up for decades of violence. He was so much more than that, and you loved all that he was. 

You sighed, following Bucky upstairs to a massive bedroom, where the bed somehow still managed to take up half the room. You rolled your eyes when you saw it, hoping whoever Tony had sent up here to prepare the cabin for you, had changed the sheets since the billionaire's last visit. 

“Bucky why don’t we…” you started, wanting to suggest taking a walk to explore the area, but Bucky interrupted you before you could finish the sentence.  

“I’m gonna start dinner,” Bucky mumbled, not even looking at you as he pushed past you, heading back downstairs. You felt the tears press against your eyes, cursing yourself for it. It was never going to be easy, you knew that. You angrily dried your eyes, taking a deep breath. Bucky was worth the fight, even if he didn’t see it himself. You weren’t ever going to leave him, and this weekend was as much about proving that to him as it was giving him a break from it all. 

You regained control of yourself and followed Bucky downstairs after grabbing a book from your bag. Just because he didn’t want to talk to you, it didn’t mean he would have to be alone you decided. You walked up to the kitchen, sitting down at the island without a word. You just opened your book to the first page and started reading as Bucky was preparing the vegetables in front of you. 

You didn’t look up or pay any real attention to him, but you felt his eyes on you on occasion as he gracefully moved around the kitchen. He always seemed more at ease when he was cooking, so it probably hadn’t been the worst idea to start your weekend like this after all.

You had no idea how much time had passed before his voice, pulled you back to reality and away from your own thoughts that had stopped you from taking in the actions on the page. 

“What are you reading?” you looked up, smiling when your eyes met with Bucky’s and your heart warmed when his lips tugged upwards just a little, returning it. 

“The Night Circus,” you answered, holding up the book for him to see and Bucky nodded before returning his attention to the meat on the chopping board before him.

“What’s it about?” he asked just when you thought that was all the conversation you were having with him at the moment. He didn’t look at you again but you smiled as your eyes rested on him and the way his dark locks fell down in front of his face as he worked.  

“A circus. Magic. Rivalry. Fantasy. Forbidden Love,” you listed with a giggle. “I don’t really know yet. Wanda recommended it.”

Bucky nodded without saying anything else, but his attempt at a conversation made you grow a little bolder. Maybe he wanted to talk after all?

“What are we having? It smells really good,” you said truthfully, smiling as Bucky moved to the stove placing the meat on the pan. He looked so much at home in a kitchen and he was insanely good at it too. Sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder if in another life he wouldn’t have been a star chef owning his own restaurant. 

“Steak cooked in garlic butter with herbs and roasted potatoes and veggies,” Bucky answered with his back turned to you. His words caused a small involuntary moan to fall from your lips.  

“I’m gonna end up becoming too fat to fit into my suit eating your food,” you playfully complained, loving the cheeky smile that suddenly appeared on Bucky’s lips as he looked over his shoulder at you. 

“Maybe Banner can make you one from that stretchy fabric he uses,” Bucky suggested, making your jaw drop at his sudden sass. 

“Rude.” You faked offense, but couldn’t help but smile when Bucky chuckled, turning his attention back to the stove. You watched him for a little while, with his back turned to you, fighting the urge to walk up and wrap your arms around him from behind. You knew that even with the joking Bucky still wasn’t back to himself. As much comfort as he took in your touch you also didn’t want to overwhelm him, so you stayed put and eventually your eyes returned to the book. 

“Read to me?” Bucky quietly requested, and you looked up in surprise. His back was still turned to you and his shoulders seemed tense as if he had just asked the impossible of you. You hated he felt like this, but you also didn’t want to push the subject. 

“Okay,” you answered instead, relaxing yourself when you saw some of the tension fall from his body and you flipped the pages back to the first one. Maybe this could become your thing this weekend, and it wasn’t like you had been paying much attention to what you had been reading anyway. 

“The circus arrives without warning,” you read, “No announcements precede it, no paper notices on downtown posts and billboards, no mentions or advertisements in local newspapers. It is simply there when yesterday it was not.”

You kept reading out loud to Bucky as he moved around the kitchen, not stopping until he placed a steaming plate in front of you. When you looked up at him he smiled that warm smile he only reserved for you and your heart skipped a beat. He gently took the book from your hands placing it on the table as he sat down next to you. 

Dinner was silent, but it didn’t feel like the forced tension-filled silence that had fallen between the two of you the past few weeks. It was the comfortable one you had known before Bucky started doing missions. He never talked much and words had never been needed between the two of you. Each other’s company had always been enough. 

The silence stretched out to the two of you doing the dishes together, moving around each other like a dance. Bucky’s hands occasionally brushing against you, making a warmth rush through you and a smile that was mirrored on his face appear on yours. 

Night fell quickly by the lake and soon it became time for bed. You walked upstairs first, smiling when you heard Bucky following you. As you returned from the bathroom after getting ready for sleep you found Bucky sitting in the bed with a shy smile on his face and  _ The Night Circus _ in his hands. You couldn’t help but giggle at his silent request and you climbed into bed next to him, taking the book from him. 

“Get comfortable,” you asked more than ordered and Bucky nodded, a happy smile that resembled the one of a small child getting his present early danced on his lips. Bucky without a word laid down on the bed, resting his head in your lap and you instinctively began playing with his hair as the words from the book filled the room reading him to sleep. 

Of course, you had known that today hadn’t been a miracle cure or a quick fix for the decades of torture haunting his mind. It still hurt though when you woke up in the middle of the night to Bucky tossing and turning next to you. He was covered in sweat and with his muscles flexing so hard his knuckles were turning white as the plates in his left arm swirled uncontrollably. 

“Bucky,” you gently grabbed his right arm, shaking him awake. It seemed harsh but you knew from experience there was no soothing him once this started. There was no gentle way to wake him, and a few shakes were like ripping the band-aid of a kid. It was the most humane thing to do despite how it seemed. 

Bucky shot up to sit straight on the bed. His eyes wide open and resembling the ones of a hunted animal. It tore at your heart to see him like this, but him making to leave the bed was even worse. For the first time since he started his disappearance acts, you reached out to him. Closing your hand around his wrist before he could leave the room and Bucky froze. 

“Stay,” you pleaded with him and Bucky shook his head violently. He didn’t move though and you didn’t remove your hand from his wrist. You just waited.

“I can’t. I don’t want to hurt you,” the words were barely spoken above a whisper, still, they hit you like a freight train. That was the reason he had been leaving you every night? He was afraid he was going to cause you harm. 

“You won’t.” Your hand slid from his wrist to his hand, giving it a small squeeze. Bucky just shook his head again, keeping his body turned away from you but he stayed. He wasn’t running away from you and you moved to sit on your knees for better leverage as you spoke again.

“You can’t know that.” Bucky sounded so broken, it tore your hearts to shreds but there was no way you were giving up. Not on him. Never.

“I do know that,” you insisted, as you managed to tug him to sit down on the edge of the bed. You wrapped your legs around his waist and arms around his neck. Your cheek rested against his shoulder as he slumped forward, stiff and unmoving.

“I know because I know you Bucky. There is no place in this world I am safer than when I am with you,” you whispered and Bucky’s hands came to rest on your legs. The tension in his body didn’t leave him though. He stayed with you. He let you hold him but he was still stiff and closed off for the fifteen minutes you stayed like that. 

You couldn’t deny how painful it was to you to see him like this, but it was an improvement. He was here, letting you hold him. You were an Avenger yes but Bucky was a super soldier so even if you wanted too, there was no way you could keep him with you like this against his will. Not that you’d ever attempt it, but Bucky was here in your arms because that’s where he wanted to be. The demons in his mind were what caused the stiffness in his body, not your loving embrace. You had been with him for long enough to know that like you had been with him for long enough to know when it was okay to push him a little bit. 

You untangled yourself from Bucky, standing next to him. His hand was instantly in yours as if he was trying to prevent you from leaving and the panicked look in his eyes broke your heart when he looked up at you.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby,” you assured him, gently running your free hand through his hair and he closed his eyes, appearing to relax a little bit. 

“Come with me,” you spoke quietly, tugging his hand and giving him a soft reassuring smile when his eyes reopened, filled with fear and questions, but he did as you asked. Trusting you as implicitly as you trusted him.

Bucky let you lead him to the bathroom and push him down to sit on the closed toilet. He only reluctantly let go of your hand, and his eyes never left you as you sat on the edge of the bathtub, filling it with warm water and scented oils you had brought from home. 

You could feel his eyes on you and even if you knew he was hurting, you also knew he was starting to take comfort in your presence again. He was healing, even if it was going to be a slow process, you were going to focus on whatever positive you could. You were going to be strong for Bucky because right now he needed you to be. 

When the tub was about half full you turned back to face him. You smiled as you softly pulled him back to his feet. His shirt was already off. Bucky rarely slept in one, so all you helped him get rid of was his low-hanging pajama pants and his boxers. 

You moved slowly, making sure to keep eye contact with him as you did. It wasn’t a sexual thing, but you were still touching him in a very intimate way. It wasn’t new to the two of you, but touch was hard for Bucky when he was backsliding. You didn’t want to surprise him and risk hurting him more than he already was. This was about making him feel better, not worse. 

You didn’t see anything in his eyes but pain and grief though. He wasn’t panicking or trying to get away from the situation. Even if you hadn’t been vocal about it, you weren’t hiding what you were doing.

Which was also the reason you stopped after, guiding Bucky into the tub. You stood up, playing with the edge of his shirt you had been wearing to bed as your eyes met with his in a silent question. 

With one nod from Bucky, you slowly pulled the shirt over your head before kicking your panties off next to it. You stepped into the tub, letting Bucky take your hand and move you to where he wanted you.

You ended up with Bucky leaning against the back of the bathtub with you between his legs, your back firmly pressed against his chest and your head resting against his right shoulder. Bucky’s arms closed around you and your hands came to rest on top of his. Slowly you felt the tension leave his body and Bucky began to relax behind you. 

“Thank you,” Bucky whispered against your ear as his lips found your shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to your skin. You hummed silently in contentment, reaching behind you to run your fingers through his hair. 

“I’m not asking you to stop doing missions. I never would,” you spoke softly as Bucky’s lips now just rested against your skin. He wasn’t tensing up but he wasn't moving either. You took that as a sign for you to continue. “But sometimes I feel like **you’re fighting like you’re running out of time**. I know why too, but sweetheart you can’t save anyone if you break yourself in the process.”

“So what do I do?” Bucky sounded so broken and defeated it nearly brought tears to your eyes. You fought them back. 

“You do what I do. What everyone does,” you answered softly, gently tugging his hair so he would look up to face you when you turned your head. “You do what you love when you are home. You spend time with me, Sam and Steve. You go on missions when you’re needed and not because you have something to make up for because you don’t. You do it because you’re a good man. A hero.”

You pressed a soft kiss against his lips before he could say anything, smiling when you pulled back. “I know you don’t agree with me on that last part and maybe you never will, but that doesn’t stop me from being right.” 

You wiggled your nose at him and Bucky chuckled softly as he pulled you closer against him again and your head went back to rest against his shoulder. 

“Okay,” his voice was barely above a whisper but you heard him and it was as if a rock was being lifted from your chest. 

“Okay,” you repeated, giving his arms that were wrapped tightly around you a small squeeze. 

“Ready to go back to bed?” you asked, smiling when you felt the tickle of his long hair against your shoulder as he shook his head, with a sigh. 

“Can we stay here for a little longer?” he asked, sounding more like himself than he had done in weeks. 

“As long as you want,” you said closing your eyes with a smile. Bucky’s recovery would never be a fast one. He would have backslides and dark days for maybe the rest of his life, but you were going to be right there with him, loving him through all of it.


End file.
